Hey guys, today i am doing my very first guest post. I asked my gorgeous friend Bethany Riddle to write a piece for my blog. I first met Beth when we were working together doing set design for a friends film. We instantly clicked and I'm so glad i met her. I asked her specifically because i knew whatever she would have to say would be without a doubt hilarious. I'm so glad i got her to do this, it is brilliant, hope you guys enjoy it, i know i certainly did. Cue very very old picture of the day we first met!
So here it is guys, enjoy!
Firstly I have to start out by saying I’m not normally one for writing things down that bother me. The reason being if I can see them as well as think them I start throwing things at the beautiful furniture in my home as if the mess that I create will unfurl the reason as to why everyone is a fucking moron.
Gorgeous Daisy asked me to write something so I could contribute some of my bitchy angst into her stunning blog and I’ve chosen a topic right on cue!
A little introduction about me is probably recommended before you think I’m a tiny shorts wearing, heavy shoe stomping student. Nothing against students but like Daisy said, we don’t want to see your arse hole.
I am 19 years old. I live in a beautiful little historical town. I live with my drop dead gorgeous boyfriend and we both work at a cinema (don’t even). I am unequivocally happy with my little insignificant life... but there are a few things that make me want to siege every day.
BOYS
Just because you own a penis doesn’t mean you’re a man by any means.
The main problem through my early teens was my constant disappointment that the boys from other schools never wore britches and rode on horseback. They wore tracksuit bottoms, rode on ‘peds’ and made me want to vomit into my own eyes. So I was never interested in boys.
The one thing.. the ONE thing that I cannot stand and makes me furious is when BOYS ‘hoot’ at girls in public.
(note I'm emphasising BOYS as opposed to MEN, even the word MEN makes me want to grab my man and take him down to china town for some noodles and lovin! MEN ride horseback and have long coats)
The ‘hooting’ began when lumps of painful wobbly fell from my chest and into impossible to find bras and when my hips decided they would redecorate and accommodate the exact measurements I would need for future crowning purposes. Then it started.
Here’s my summary of this experience in my humble life.
Male perspective and Objects reaction
Alright luv! Oh brilliant, a casual raping on a Saturday afternoon just what I was hoping for
Give us a smile!! So they can recognise my body when it’s wheeled out on an oven tray in the mortuary tomorrow, no thank you
NICE!!! Ruined the word nice for me and you’ve made me feel like a sugary biscuit
WHHHHEEEYYYYY Have I pooted? That’s the only appropriate time for that much cheering in public
Cheer up love!! Thank you for expert diagnosis of the on-going turmoil I’ve been experiencing this week. I want to wear my cheap black jeans that make my butt sit where it’s supposed to, but the dye runs onto my legs and makes me look like I’ve been up a chimney all day! And I could wear that skirt I’ve got but I can’t bring myself to get out of bed 30 minutes earlier to shave my legs. I mean my boyfriends accepted the fact I’m Helga 3 weeks out of the month why can’t the world!
I will just brandish my blackened hairy legs to the universe and feel the breeze as the hair blows to and fro as I’m walking across this bridge every day and just cheer up! Thank you Sir, Thank you so much!
Has it every occurred to them that I’m happy in my life, that I don’t want them shouting at me in the street? That I might find it offencive? That I don’t find people looking at my boobs ‘flattering’.
And if you’re harbouring a penis and have ever shouted something similar to a girl, what do you have to say for yourself?! Have you got a girlfriend at home? Because I can’t expect for one second that any self-respecting intelligent female would willingly take you into her heart knowing that you would objectify a stranger in such a way! And if she does and she’s one of those modern types who is like ‘totes okies with you looking at other girls lets have a three way and you can film us I promise ill not talk to another man’ shes just really scared you’ll leave her. So please for the sake of ladies of the nation stop HOOTING.
-Bethany Riddle
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