I've got some 'splainin' to do.

Hello guys, I kind of owe you all an apology. I haven't posted for quite some time and I need to explain why. Last week the final court trial over my mums death took place, for 3 days my family and I had to sit in a room with the guy, see all the evidence, statements, and hear details which, to be honest, I wish I didn't hear. It left everything feeling pretty fresh and it knocked me back. Anyway, basically, the guy was found not guilty of death by careless driving. Which to me, doesn't make sense, he killed someone because he wasn't paying attention... surely that is "death by careless driving", no? I could go on and on about how the justice system and how its not fair but I would only make myself angry and upset. If he had been found guilty I still wouldn't feel any better, it wouldn't make the loss of my mum any less real. It wouldn't change a fucking thing. I just have to hope that he is human enough to understand what he did and hopefully he will never make a mistake like that again. An apology would have been nice, but I doubt we will ever get one. The papers have been around and it has been nice to get our story out, even if he wasn't found guilty, I think people should know. I just want to thank everyone who has helped me and my family through this last year. Friends or strangers. The kindness of people has made everything easier to bare. Thank you all.

24/08/2011

This is probably going to be a really tough post for me to write, i will probably have to cut it short as I'm likely to get pretty emotional. Exactly a year ago today, i woke up to my sister knocking at my bedroom door, i opened it to find her crying. She just said that she didn't know how to tell me something. The worst that i thought could have happened was maybe something bad happened to one of the cats. I did not expect her to tell me that a couple of hours before, my mum had been run over by a car and died. We went downstairs and there was a policeman and woman in my living room. They then proceeded to tell us what happened. They called my dad and asked him to come home from work. When he arrived they broke the news to him. Seeing your dad cry is a horrible thing. After a lot of talking and tea we went to my nans house to tell her, which was probably the hardest part, my nan has lost 3 of her 4 children. I don't know how she carries on. The whole day was a blur. My sisters boyfriend, who was then living and working in France, got on the first flight home. I don't think my sister would have managed without him. The support of our friends and family was unbelievable. The turn out to her funeral was incredible, i had no idea my mum was loved and known by so many people. There was an article about her in the local paper and we received so many cards and flowers. My mum was so much fun, she was the life and soul of every party we had. Her wake was amazing, she would have loved it. Everyone she loved, together. Not standing around in black, moping. Everyone wore yellow and we drank and danced and remembered the good times. 

I have realised how much my mother did for me. Since then, i have changed. I have grown up and stopped being so lazy, I'll never let myself take someone for granted like that again. I had never lost someone close to me before. Its crazy how your life can be turned upside down in an instant. Life is very different now. I have accepted what happened, but I'll never stop missing her. I'm going to leave it at that. I love you mum, i'll see you again one day.